Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Seems kinda suspicious