Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”