A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Unexpected Judgment
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.