One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
You Might Also Like
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.