I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great