Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..