[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again