Doggies just call it style.
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho