HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
You Might Also Like
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
sliding into dms like
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.