I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m listening
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.