All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?