Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
one of
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
fixed it
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”