For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.