Maybe jesus needs me in his life
You Might Also Like
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.