If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
an airline just for babies.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.