I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.