My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.