It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.