yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Whoa 😂
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.