The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
You Might Also Like
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
So that’s what we looked like?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.