Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
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*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Go hard or stay average
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you