When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery