*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
This hospital has everything
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons