Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
cats when you pet them too long:
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts