[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.