My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
what’s the point then??
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.