each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
You Might Also Like
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?