The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
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[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.