There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.