Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
All generalizations are stupid.
Remember folks 😂
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.