I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Found the job I’m suited for
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.