Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
😅🤣😂
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
HR said no more nunchucks.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.