PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe