My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*gets down on one knee*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.