This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.