Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
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[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad