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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
In Canada they just call them geese
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”