losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
You Might Also Like
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away