You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
But that’s none of my business
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok