Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done