Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Wikigenius
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
step 6: release the wall snake
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.