WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I only eat vegetarians.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
The struggle is real