don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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Those Weren鈥檛 Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it鈥檚 easier.
*gets text from Mom* It鈥檚 your mother. Call me.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can鈥檛 train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Where there鈥檚 a pill, there鈥檚 a yay.
Helpful tip: Don鈥檛 write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
…u ok Nintendo?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad鈥檚 phone number.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I鈥檇 want to know who鈥檚 paying.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
馃挴馃槀
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I鈥檓 trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I鈥檝e tried works
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…