You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task