Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
We’ve come full circle
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.