Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones