I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
no one ever comes back
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.