“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job