The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Just so funny
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again