Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
This took me a second..
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The options really are this bad
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.